I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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