I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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