if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
