i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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