You're completely useless in the revolution.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
