When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
