I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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