I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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