You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Randomize
