ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
