What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize