I met the friendliest cop last night
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
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