Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
