No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
