your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
