I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
