I hate your face
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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