We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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