You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
