Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize