and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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