Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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