I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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