Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
