The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My breasts were aching with rage.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
