do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
