six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
