They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
