I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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