You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
