Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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