No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
