look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
