Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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