you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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