I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize