He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
