I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
