I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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