Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
