The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
