Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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