I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
