Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You made out with two different species that night
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
