Only a mothe r could love this liver
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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