So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
