I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im six kinds of drunk right now
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
