Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
