Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
i need some magic done to my vagina
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
