Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
