i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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