Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She even gives head with a lisp.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize