i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
50% drunk capacity currently
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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