I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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