last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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