I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
