It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
