I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize