just tell him i said nine months
babies were throwing up all over the place
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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