i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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